Intruducing...Sawyer Crew

On June 24, at 12:41 AM our son, Tyler and our daughter in Love, Emily welcomed their first baby, our first grandchild into the world. Little Sawyer Crew, weighing 7 lbs 6 oz.

He is just perfect and beautiful. It has been so hard not to be with them at this time. But I just booked my flight to go there on July 21st for 4 nights and I can't wait!! It will not only be a get away for me by myself (which I haven't done in a LONG time) but I will get to spend all that time with Ty, Em and Sawyer loving on them.

Anyway, here is my sweet grandson. God makes wonderful gifts..

James 1:17 "Every generous act of giving and every perfect gift is from above and comes down from the Father who made the heavenly lights, in whom there is no inconsistency or shifting shadow. "

Always A Mommy

23 years ago on January 9th, I became a first time Mommy.

It was a difficult first 5 months of pregnancy, but did finish off an uneventful last few months. I went 14 days past my due date to end with a challenging, excruciating,  and long back labor. There was no epidural, 4 hours of pushing which then resulted in an emergency c-section.

Tyler Jay was born, all beat up with a scab right above his eye due to the internal monitor they put on him, as he was presenting face first and the doctors didn't know. He had too thick of red blood cells and was required a saline/blood type transfusion through the umbilical chord site. He had to be monitored for 24 hours.

I was extremely sick, feverish and weak from a lot of blood loss. My iron levels were way below normal, I was not allowed out of bed that first 24 hours. Sadly, I did not get to see him that first day. It was all very disheartening to this new mama, whose hormones were kicking into high gear. I cried a lot that night. At this military hospital, Jay was not allowed to stay in my room after hours either. So I was all alone and scared.

Our beginning was rough, but once I took him into my arms, that first time holding my almost 9 lb baby boy, it was bliss. He nestled under my chin, as he slept and I can still remember that intense feeling of love, welled up in my heart. I was a "Mommy" and it was miraculous. Both of us had almost lost our lives, but God protected us. It was the first time, in a long time, where I really began to seek God and ask for His guidance as this huge burden for my baby boy was on my heart, mind and soul all the time!

I would love to have a Magic Wand and relive some of the "first" moments holding my children. God has blessed me with 11 and each of them was just as amazing as the one before. I come to literal tears each time I reminiscence those days. Sigh...and too quickly they all grow up. It is good and right, but it is hard too.

Parenting one, two, three, and so on has grown me up. I was only 20 years old when I became known as "Mommy". However, God began to gently show me I was no longer a "one woman" show. I needed His help. Being an only child, in a very dysfunctional family growing up, caused me to always be very independent and to believe all I ever needed in my life was, "Me, Myself and I". Over the last 23 years of parenting, I know without a doubt that I don't need Me, Myself and I at all...I just need Jesus. I wish it didn't take so long to figure it out but I am thankful I do get it now, even while I still have so many Blessings to take care of at home.

And now I find even with my oldest son that while my duties of nurturing, teaching, discipling, and snuggling are long gone...my work as his Mommy is never done. In fact, it is different, but it is harder. I find myself more burdened, asking the Lord, on my knees to protect Tyler and his family. I beg the Lord to keep him fully devoted to Christ. I seek the Lord for his future children, in faith, that the Lord will bring up a mighty generation through my son and his wife.

So now, is the time. Emily and Tyler will be having their first child some time in July 2015.
It is a boy and they will name him Hudson Crew.

I find such a burden to pray for Hudson, knowing that God is the only one to take care of him.
Thank you Jesus, you are such a patient, loving, and good God. I so look forward to meeting little Hudson.

And Happy Birthday Tyler... (sorry this was a few days late). I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be. I can't wait to watch and pray for you as you are a Daddy to Hudson.

 

How To Say "Goodbye"?

One of the harder moments of my life is about to come in less than a week. I knew it was always a possibility when you have adult children in your life. It was something I wasn't really emotionally prepared for at first. However, God is using it to grow me in new ways and has given me a wonderful peace about it, even in the midst of my grieving moments.

My oldest son and his sweet wife (who feels like a daughter to me) are moving away to another state to be near her family. We understand the reasons behind the move and excited to see the new adventures that lays ahead for them. Even so, it is still a hard thing to walk through as a Mother. We feel so blessed to have the year we did with them living so close. We feel honored the way we have been able to watch them in their first year of marriage. They married young, but they knew they were meant to be together and they are very much in love. It is very precious to watch them become one.

We also know that they are not ours to hold onto. They are the Lord's children. It is His covenant with them, in their marriage. I remember their wedding day and the tiny bit of misty rain that was falling upon the ceremony, as it was outside. It was May, but in our state that is an unpredictable month. At first when we woke up to rain drops, for a 10:00 AM wedding, I was quite concerned.

Ironically, it turned out to be an amazing day. While we were quite cold, the tiny bits of rain that were coming down was like the Lord's blessing upon the marriage. It is difficult to explain unless you were there. But it was real. I could feel God's presence and I could feel Him saying to my heart, "This is my covenant with them. You have done your roll and you can have faith that I bless this marriage and will make them one." It was so beautiful and so right. I was not the only person that felt that on that day.

I am grieving in my heart that I will not get to see them very much. I trust the Lord and His sovereignty, however. I know He is using this time to stretch me too. I know it will be hard for them to say "Goodbye" to us as well.  So how do you say "Goodbye" to your oldest son? How do you say "Goodbye" to the dreams you had with them living close by? How do you say "Goodbye" when you have never lived 1000s of miles apart?

The only answer I can come up with is heavenly "Goodbyes" are not forever. That I can stand in the fact that I did have 21 precious years with my first born son. I have total confidence that God is with them on this new part of their lives and He has a plan and purpose for them each and together! I know that they are just a phone call away. I can be thankful that we have awesome technology that helps us to communicate as often as needed or desired. I know that our future visits will be even sweeter as the heart will grown founder since  they will be few and far between. I also know that the memories we have created will always be with us. Whenever I think of Tyler and Emily I will thank God for them and the sweetness they bring to my life.

Philippians 1.3
Every time I think of you, I thank my God.

I look forward to seeing what God is going to do in their lives.
Love you both so much!! Missing you already. Love you mostest.

To My Dearest Son,

Happy Birthday Tyler Jay! These are just a few words I have been wanting to tell you. Remember when I used to write all you kids a letter for your birthday? I regret that I have not kept that up, as I have so much to say and realizing now at this moment, so little time with you.I am still on a learning and growing curve mentally, emotionally and more important spiritually. So please just quiet your heart and always know that anything bad you see in me is not from God, it is not who I want to be. And if by chance, which I pray is more and more every day, you see anything good and noble in me, that is ONLY from our gracious and merciful Lord.

Here is a little story:

21 years ago, I was a 20 year old, very inexperienced, ignorant, new wife and brand new mother on this very day! I was scared I would make a mistake that would damage you for the rest of your life. I was scared someone else would try to hurt you and I could not stop it. I was afraid that I would burst with fear that I could not be your mother. I did not want you to have to grow up in this wicked, sinful world. I wanted to protect you from anything bad, the "Mother Bear" was born in me that day and my connection to you was pumping with every beat of my heart. My intense love for you was so strong that I could not imagine living without you. I was not walking closely with the Lord on that day, but my heart began to see a glimpse of His heart. I saw a miracle in your birth, in my own life being spared after a horrible birthing experience. I saw the miracle of a baby. I also began to realize, for almost the first time in my life I had to let go and had to give up the controls. I loved God, I believed in who He was, but I had not given up the controls just yet, I had not surrendered my life to Him. I had not given you to Him.

God was so patient with me. He had big plans for my life. I did not want any more pregnancies, labor and births to come from my body ever again. I remember saying to Daddy, "Is it okay if we have just one child? I was an only child and I turned out okay". 

I just didn't think I could emotionally and physically live through an experience like that again. I am so thankful, that God knew my heart and did not make me hold to my statement. I am thankful that although I did experience some painful and even more scary pregnancies and labor after that, He gave me 6 more children through my womb. And now he has opened our lives to adoption.

You were the light of my life. I quickly learned that as precious as you were in my heart, you were a sinner too. You were quite the ornery, stubborn, perfectionist, and active child. Being that I had virtually zero experience with children, especially little children, I educated myself as much as I could on how to parent you. I may regret not doing certain things, saying the perfect things, and for the many mistakes I did make, however please understand that many of the mistakes I made as your Mommy was because I loved you so much and just wanted to make your life better than mine. I wanted you to  not follow in my foot steps. I wanted you to follow Christ. Many of the mistakes I made were also just plainly because I was not obeying Jesus and doing what I should have done as a Mommy. I understand today that I should have only, simply just tried to show you Christ in Me, instead of trying to show you "The Perfect Mommy" the one who should control your world, even if to protect you. My intentions were good and Godly, but my method was totally off. I so appreciate your forgiveness and graciousness toward me.

I know that God has called you to Him, to live fully for Him, to surrender your life to Him. I know you are today learning what that means, even as a new husband. I am so thankful for that. I am so ever, thankful that He began a good work in you. I know you will stumble at times, like I do, but you will get back up with your God lifting you and at times carrying you. I know that you will make the right decisions in your life, because you have the Spirit guiding you.

I want you to know that I have surrendered you to Christ, I did several years ago. I am sorry I tried to hold on so tight those early years, that was a selfish thing for me to do. I  have learned that you are the Lord's first and foremost. He is the perfect parent and He has great plans for your life, to use you for His glory. You were just given as gift to me, to raise, nurture, love, educate, disciple and all the many things a mother should do. I pray that you were given those things, not because of me, but because of Christ through me. But you weren't given to me as gift for my own gain and satisfaction (even though satisfaction is something we do receive as parents), but for God's glory and kingdom. Again I praise God for his patience to a young, ignorant mother. 

I want you to know that I am proud to be your mother. I will always love you and be here for you. I still love you with all my heart, the mostest, more than the stars, taller than any mountain, hotter than the sun, more prickly than a cactus and sweeter than honey. As long as I am living my baby you'll be.
Thank you for your patience with me as well. I praise my God for your life, and for what He is doing in it.

Love you forever,
Mom

 Here is me hugging you at 11 months old.

Here is you just a few months ago on your wedding day, hugging me. I love you!

Finally... Wedding Photos

 Heidi (bride's aunt), Emily (bride), Makenna (my daughter), Eliza (my daughter)

 Bride with flower girl Lenea (my daughter) and ring bearer Asher (my son)

 Devon, Hunter, Alex (best man and longest time friend since 2 years old) and Tyler, with the girls.

 Two sisters and one ornery big brother.

 Tyler walking me down the aisle. That was a sweet, emotional moment.

 The ring exchange. Isn't Emily's dress beautiful? Tyler looks pretty handsome too.

 The newly, married, happy, in love couple!!

 Our sweet, little, growing family!

Tyler and Emily's wedding was in May and it was breathtaking! God was evident and so was their love for each other. I was very blessed to be there. I am proud of the young woman my son chose for his wife.

Big Changes in Our Lives This Year!!

Yes, we are now blessed with an amazingly adorable little boy from China. I can't say enough good things about him and the way he has fit right in. I know that sounds almost too good to be true. But really, God has been good to us all and made this so easy. However, I am exhausted...Jay is too...almost like we just had a newborn come home. HA!! But we know this too shall pass.

We also have Makenna (our almost 17 year old precious daughter) graduating from homeschooling on May 18th!! She technically should only be a Junior. But since she wasn't looking to attend a four-year University right out of high school she didn't need to pursue a very vigorous schedule. So she chose to do 2 years in one, this year. That makes her working on 10 credits currently!! She amazes me at how hard she can work and still manage to have a smile and hug for me at the end of the day. She will be graduating this May, with  CHESS and have a very special ceremony and celebration to go with it.


She will also be attending Ellerslie shortly after graduation. It is a 9 week Bible Study School. She is so excited! She thinks she will start classes at our Junior College after that and pursue nursing of some degree, but is waiting to see how the Lord leads her.

The other big news is that Tyler (our oldest 20 year old son) is engaged! We have known Emily and her family for about 9 years now, through homeschooling. They are actually from a different state than us. They have set a date, the day after Makenna graduates- May 19th. Talk about busyness!!