To My Dearest Son,

Happy Birthday Tyler Jay! These are just a few words I have been wanting to tell you. Remember when I used to write all you kids a letter for your birthday? I regret that I have not kept that up, as I have so much to say and realizing now at this moment, so little time with you.I am still on a learning and growing curve mentally, emotionally and more important spiritually. So please just quiet your heart and always know that anything bad you see in me is not from God, it is not who I want to be. And if by chance, which I pray is more and more every day, you see anything good and noble in me, that is ONLY from our gracious and merciful Lord.

Here is a little story:

21 years ago, I was a 20 year old, very inexperienced, ignorant, new wife and brand new mother on this very day! I was scared I would make a mistake that would damage you for the rest of your life. I was scared someone else would try to hurt you and I could not stop it. I was afraid that I would burst with fear that I could not be your mother. I did not want you to have to grow up in this wicked, sinful world. I wanted to protect you from anything bad, the "Mother Bear" was born in me that day and my connection to you was pumping with every beat of my heart. My intense love for you was so strong that I could not imagine living without you. I was not walking closely with the Lord on that day, but my heart began to see a glimpse of His heart. I saw a miracle in your birth, in my own life being spared after a horrible birthing experience. I saw the miracle of a baby. I also began to realize, for almost the first time in my life I had to let go and had to give up the controls. I loved God, I believed in who He was, but I had not given up the controls just yet, I had not surrendered my life to Him. I had not given you to Him.

God was so patient with me. He had big plans for my life. I did not want any more pregnancies, labor and births to come from my body ever again. I remember saying to Daddy, "Is it okay if we have just one child? I was an only child and I turned out okay". 

I just didn't think I could emotionally and physically live through an experience like that again. I am so thankful, that God knew my heart and did not make me hold to my statement. I am thankful that although I did experience some painful and even more scary pregnancies and labor after that, He gave me 6 more children through my womb. And now he has opened our lives to adoption.

You were the light of my life. I quickly learned that as precious as you were in my heart, you were a sinner too. You were quite the ornery, stubborn, perfectionist, and active child. Being that I had virtually zero experience with children, especially little children, I educated myself as much as I could on how to parent you. I may regret not doing certain things, saying the perfect things, and for the many mistakes I did make, however please understand that many of the mistakes I made as your Mommy was because I loved you so much and just wanted to make your life better than mine. I wanted you to  not follow in my foot steps. I wanted you to follow Christ. Many of the mistakes I made were also just plainly because I was not obeying Jesus and doing what I should have done as a Mommy. I understand today that I should have only, simply just tried to show you Christ in Me, instead of trying to show you "The Perfect Mommy" the one who should control your world, even if to protect you. My intentions were good and Godly, but my method was totally off. I so appreciate your forgiveness and graciousness toward me.

I know that God has called you to Him, to live fully for Him, to surrender your life to Him. I know you are today learning what that means, even as a new husband. I am so thankful for that. I am so ever, thankful that He began a good work in you. I know you will stumble at times, like I do, but you will get back up with your God lifting you and at times carrying you. I know that you will make the right decisions in your life, because you have the Spirit guiding you.

I want you to know that I have surrendered you to Christ, I did several years ago. I am sorry I tried to hold on so tight those early years, that was a selfish thing for me to do. I  have learned that you are the Lord's first and foremost. He is the perfect parent and He has great plans for your life, to use you for His glory. You were just given as gift to me, to raise, nurture, love, educate, disciple and all the many things a mother should do. I pray that you were given those things, not because of me, but because of Christ through me. But you weren't given to me as gift for my own gain and satisfaction (even though satisfaction is something we do receive as parents), but for God's glory and kingdom. Again I praise God for his patience to a young, ignorant mother. 

I want you to know that I am proud to be your mother. I will always love you and be here for you. I still love you with all my heart, the mostest, more than the stars, taller than any mountain, hotter than the sun, more prickly than a cactus and sweeter than honey. As long as I am living my baby you'll be.
Thank you for your patience with me as well. I praise my God for your life, and for what He is doing in it.

Love you forever,
Mom

 Here is me hugging you at 11 months old.

Here is you just a few months ago on your wedding day, hugging me. I love you!