Compassion

On the side of my blog you will find a link to Compassion International. I know it is quite possible that most of you have heard of it before and are maybe sponsoring a child through the organization. However, this time last year I had never heard of them so I am excited to tell everyone about it.

There are thousands of children all over the world, of all ages waiting for sponsorship. With your monthly sponsorship you provide:

• Food and clean water
• Medical care
• Educational opportunities
• Important life-skills training
• Most important of all, your sponsored child will hear about Jesus Christ and be encouraged to develop a lifelong relationship with God.

At this time our family is sponsoring 5 children through Compassion. This includes one that my girls are paying for all by themselves. I am so proud of the way they love Jesus so much that they give up their hard earned money (which they don't have much, only side jobs for neighbors and friends and birthday money) to provide hope and help to another child. They already want to sponsor a 2nd child, but I have encouraged them to wait until they have a more steady income.

The part we love so much about this program is that we get to write to the child through an online system that includes us sending photos. And we can write as often as we like, in fact they encourage you to write often. All of our children have hand written (with translation) a letter back to us at least once. 

These children live in very impoverished situations, nothing like we would ever have in the US, even our poorest would be in luxury. The children have daily opportunities to go to the local Compassion Center (maybe a local church or just a building) as often as they like. There they get all the things described earlier and just as importantly they have others pouring into them a love that gives the children hope. 

I have had the privilege of meeting 2 adults that used to be children sponsored through Compassion. Their testimonies are inspiring and convicting. Can you imagine the harshness of having to take care of your younger siblings at the age of 6 because your father has abandoned you and your mother must work hard all day to make a few cents a day in order to feed you? This is just a small glimpse of what these children might be dealing with, actually it is often quite worse and they often alone.

The wonderful thing in my opinion is that I believe each one of us could afford to sponsor at least one child. It only costs $38 a month! That is just a little more than a dollar day or the same cost as 9 Starbucks drinks or one hair cut at the beauty salon for a woman. 

I just wanted to encourage all of you reading to genuinely look at where your heart is. 
Luke 16:13 
"No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."

Think of the compassion and important character you will be sowing into your children with a program like this? What we sow is what we will reap. If we sow a love of money and not God, we should not be surprised when our children grow up greedy and selfish. We should not be surprised if they grow up ignoring God, because they will have to give up the comforts of the world and they are too attached.

Check out Compassion. One fun thing we did for several of our kids is to find a child that had either the same birthday (2 of them do) and in the least same age (all the rest do). This way our children are very certain to remember that child more and to think how fortunate they are for all they have, compared to their sponsored child. 

I know there are other sponsorship  programs out there, World Vision for one. I have not personally experienced their program, but have spoken with at least 2 people that did not think it was as a direct commitment to the individual child and were disappointed in the communication aspect with the agency. Again, I don't know but do your research.

Let me know if you sponsor a child or already do. I would love to hear from you.

What DO You Want for Christmas? Part 2

I would pray that first and foremost, we all would want Jesus fully living in us. I invite Him to do that, because I deserve nothing. I only want Him, my Creator, my Savior, my Hope, my Redeemer, my Lover, my Healer, my Comforter, my Father God...He deserves all of me, so "Here I Am, Lord!"..


My second desire is that all the fatherless, precious, innocent children around our world would have a family, a real family to give them all the security, love, and blessings a family is meant to give them. I am not for everyone or just anyone to adopt. I believe God has called Christians to adopt. However, I do realize that non-Christians do a wonderful job at adoption and parenting, but I am not speaking to that group of people. So if you are not a Christian, please know I am not judging you and I am not even addressing you. I respect you for loving those orphans too and giving them a home.

I don't think every "Christian" is prepared and/or willing to adopt a child or become a parent. From my personal experience, I know without a doubt that God Can and Will prepare you as a Christian parent to adopt a child or parent any child, for that matter, IF you are willing to let Him guide and lead you. If you are willing to die to your fleshly ways of being a parent. I know His Word is true and He does not lie. And he commands us to take care of orphans and sees that is a pure religion:

James 1:27 "Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you."

So, anything from that scripture may not mean specifically for each of us to adopt an orphan. However, it just might mean that too. And with over 150 million orphans in our world, how can we just ignore their "distress"? I realize this scripture is also referring to widows and we do need to help that widow who is taking care of the fatherless children. They go hand in hand. So our prayers should not just be, (which is what mine used to be), "Father, I pray for the needs of these widows, these fatherless children, and the ones who have no parents at all. I ask You to take care of them and provide for their needs." etc.. etc...etc...

Of course, He will take care of the "fatherless", but He tells us us to be His hands and His feet. There are scriptures, looking at the Bible as a whole that tells us more:

Proverbs 31:8-9 "Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those being crushed."

Matthew 18:5 "And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me."

Psalms 82:3-4 "Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed. Rescue the weak and needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked."

With that in our minds, shouldn't our prayers be more along the lines of, "Father, I know your heart, I know there is a real need, I can't ignore. What do you want Me to do about it? How are you wanting Me to speak up, ensure justice, defend the cause, maintain the rights, rescue the weak, deliver, and welcome them? I am yours to do with however you desire."

This prayer is different as we are telling God that we are willing to be the ones to sacrifice our comforts, securities, finances, etc. in order to follow His commands and be His heart. We aren't just asking God for Him to do it or someone else on His behalf.

Here are some real needs around our world, all about children, orphans:

In many European countries: Bulgaria and Ukraine are two of them, they are so poor that they make only a few dollars a day. Therefore the abandoned and orphaned children, especially the ones with "Special Needs" (Down's Syndrome, Neurological Conditions, deafness, blindness etc) are put in "Baby Houses" until they reach a certain age (often age 5 or so) and then they are "Transferred" where they will be put into a mental institution. Sometimes the  care in those mental institutions are worse than most pets receive in American homes. 

It is not always because the workers do not love and care for the children within their hearts,But rather because they live in such a desperate, poor state that they just manage as they are able. The children are starving, humiliated by often laying in fetal positions naked in their own waste, and neglected because there isn't enough help.This is NOT something we should be ignorant to any longer. It is not something we should turn a blind eye to. This IS what God means by the weak, helpless, fatherless voiceless children.



 



I have been reading blogs of many families lately on adoption. And there are families that are being awakened and stirred to adopt some of these dear children. When you read the testimonies of the ones already adopted it is a miracle. God will bring these children to light out of darkness and despair. He will heal them, but again He is needing us to make the difference in the lives of voiceless children.

For my Christmas, I want more of these sweet children adopted. I want them out of those filthy, lonely and disgusting circumstances. Please pray that God would show you how you are to respond to these sort of issues. Again, I know not all can adopt for various reasons. I do know we can NOT just sit and say we are praying for them and leave it at that. We must be broken for them.

Here is a website, called Reeces Rainbow that has some resources if you are interested in finding out more and how to help these little ones. It also has a listing of all the Waiting Children that could very well die if they are not chosen some day by a family. Please pray for Christmas Miracles for the least of these.

What Do YOU Want for Christmas? Part 1

Just a warning this is a bit long, but I have had a lot on my heart about this lately. Thank you for reading.

Christmas is about gifts..It is about miracles...James 1:17 "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

It is about God coming to earth as a man to save his people from the punishment of sin (Death!) and have Victory over that SIN! He is the King.. He is the that "Perfect Gift"..Perfect meaning "wanting nothing  necessary to completeness".. Jesus was a complete package. A little baby wrapped in swaddling clothes, manifesting full Grace and God's glory. As he grew in "wisdom and stature",  and then he faced temptation Hebrews 4:15, "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet was without sin."; and he willingly took our curse and punishment to die upon a cross.

Not just anyone could take our punishment, it had to be a spotless lamb, without sin. As God can not be pleased with sin or see us Holy because of even just one little bad thought or deed. We can not have just one little hint of rebellion against Him.

So after deeply considering what Jesus Christ gave to us on Christmas day and ultimately the Resurrection day, what do we Really want for Christmas? Do we really even need any material things? Sure, I could use a new coat. Mine is getting a few holes and isn't as practical as I would like. But it still looks nice for the most part and more importantly keeps me warm. I could also say I "need" some new clothing. I have gained the weight I lost back, since last summer, and only have 4 or 5 outfits that fit me well and nicely. (I am starting a diet again after Asher's surgery btw.) I think we also "need" some new shocks for our van (whatever that is exactly?). I am down to a broken food chopper (I love my food chopper) but we are making due with the broken one still and today part of my Bosch broke (which I use a LOT). My list could go on. The things I like are practical things usually for Christmas. Sometimes we will buy just fun gifts for each other, but in my mind those are usually not something that edifies the children (and myself) to being appreciative of ALL we do have.

Today my sweet children are in cleaning and helpful mode. Makenna is home for several weeks from school! And Makenna and Eliza (is turning into one too), are my cleaners and organizers. Girls after my own heart. I just don't usually have the time like I used to, or maybe it isn't as much a priority on some levels. I am not as a perfectionist as I used to be. It really is okay if the towels aren't folded like I used to require, as long as they are put away, off the couch!  So we baked bread already, baked some cookies for neighbors last night and will do more baking later. Makenna is cleaning out our pantry and Eliza is cleaning the boys' room. I am doing laundry, including sheets. Jacob is trying to finish the other half of his math so he will be able to take a holiday break without thinking about that. Toby and Moriah, after doing chores, are in Lego model building play. They are making a Mini Lego-land for us to come visit on Christmas Eve. Lenea and Asher are "helping" some of us organize and Lenea is teaching Asher worship dance moves in her bedroom. He just loves his "Nea", following her around like a puppy. Today she appreciates it and he doesn't mind her bossing him either. It is a sweet friendship. We have Steven Curtis Chapman Christmas CD playing in the back ground, tree lights are on (even during the daylight), our house is warm and cozy. My wonderful, loving, hard-working husband is at his newish job, who appreciate his work ethic and let him go in 3 hours late today for Christmas, he has a work Christmas party to go to at the end of today. Then he will be off for 4 days!
We have had some respiratory sickness again the last 2 weeks, with 2 children having Reactive Airway Disease and needing nebulizers now. But we have double insurance and we have had to pay 0 out of pocket besides our monthly dues. Our blessings and material things are abundant. God is so gracious to us and we deserve NONE of it. We deserve not one iota.

So this year, trying to keep Christmas a little simpler and start some new traditions, we are having the kids do a gift exchange by drawing names. We are doing Christmas stockings (which we haven't done in years) and we are doing a White Elephant gift exchange. It should be fun and a lot cheaper too.

But.. I am thinking about all the needs around us, about our little ones in China without a Mama and Daddy, just yet. I am thankful that next Christmas they will be with us, as my pangs of sadness realize it is still a half a year away until we can be with them and give them a family. But at least they have been chosen.. What about the millions and millions of children that haven't been chosen, and will have an emptiness in their hearts for a family, even if they are too young or immature to articulate it? God says the lonely are to be in families, He puts them there. But what if Christians ignore His command? What if Christians don't give up some of their ridiculous material wealth and their time to help some of these children; really be obedient to help, not just pray about it? What about the millions and millions without a full tummy and clean water, or a bed to sleep on? What about the millions who eat out of garbage cans? There really are, children who have to sneak scraps out of garbage cans to eat. Can you imagine? Can you think about how broken they are, with NO hope at all? What if that was your child? Well, we need to remember they are God's children and we ARE HIS ambassadors. We are His hands and feet on this earth. We have a purpose for this life in a foreign land. This is not our home. 

I have so much compassion for the young and vulnerable. They have no voice in this world (Satan knows that very well), many times no education to help themselves and lots of times no health or strength to do anything anyway. I care about adults that need help too, however they can get themselves help and they can make choices that young children can NOT! I believe that is why God has reminded us in scriptures to take care of the fatherless and widows. Widows are usually the ones that are either still with the young children at home and they are trying to make it to take care of them, OR they are the very old, in that day in age were seen as outcasts.

This Christmas, this coming New Year, 2013, yes we are well into this millennium (remember when it was just the year 2000?), we MUST as Christians look at our lives, our hearts. What are we idolizing? What are we teaching our children to put their time, energy and money into? Is it material things, a great education, personal looks, fame, a great job, or will it be compassion for the young and vulnerable, hearts for the lost souls who will go to hell, a desire to know and love God will all they are and surrender their lives to Him alone, to serve Him? 

Matthew 6:19" Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal."

Matthew 6:20"But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal."

I am not against material things or Christmas gifts. We have much of it. I am though, being taught recently that those things don't  matter. They don't raise Christians and they don't help us look to God more. He wants all of our hearts, not our wealth and fame. And the reality is that all we are given, 100% of our wealth, health and happiness is from HIM! Why then do we whine about not having enough, and sound like spoiled children on Christmas who are mad they didn't get what they wanted or be willing to share the beloved toy they did get?  I get this way in my heart sometimes, my children get this way too. We are working on it, we are praying for this legacy in our family to be different.

A side note that today was a very challenging day for me. After I had written most of this post, but not ready to post I was bombarded with silly attacks from the enemy. I was determined to not get off path today and let that frustrate me and take it out on my children and praise God through it all. It began with my anticipation that our I797 would be delivered to Lifeline by 10:30 and that we would be DTC this afternoon. (My post yesterday explains all that scenario.) However, I checked the tracking # at 9:00 (agency is an hour ahead of us), and no delivery. Again at 10:00 was no delivery. 10:30, no delivery and word that it was delayed.. Agh.. What, if it doesn't get to agency today then it would not be DTC until next Thursday. So I got on the phone with FedEx, that was difficult to get a person. They were having phone line troubles and I ended up calling a totally different Fed Ex #, explained the situation, thankfully who was very helpful and transferred me to Customer Service. Indeed, they looked up our Tracking # to say it was delayed due to a big storm in the Midwest, even though the states we were shipping in were not affected, it had delayed deliveries. I had them call the destination and indeed they did not have our package (it was almost noon there by now) and they would not be able to deliver until tomorrow! Oh, the frustration built up inside of me, I wanted to burst into tears. I asked about a refund how that worked, but she said we would have to take that up after delivery was complete. 

After I hung up the phone I prayed to the Lord that I didn't want to let this ruin my day and to trust Him alone. I called our agency and explained the situation. Logan was very kind and sorry for our situation. She said if she wasn't going out of town, she would come get it tomorrow and deliver it then, but she would be gone until Thursday morning and the office would be closed. It was out of my hands. I tried my best to let it go.

Then I went back to baking cookies for our neighbors, which has been a family tradition for about 9 years now. We attempted 3 batches of peanut brittle, which all failed. I even burned my finger on the last one. Then we made cookies, that ended up being pretty tasty, but a bit crumbly and they broke my mixer attachment, which isn't cheap to replace. Later, I had a flour spill on the pantry that my daughter just cleaned. My children were very gracious to me, helping bake and clean up and watching movies with the younger ones, as it seemed I was having one tiny problem after another. I don't like to have many days like this. It keeps me away from my children and doing motherly things. But some days they just happen. I am always evaluating and changing what is important there. But today I was deep in way to getting ready for Christmas so I just kept praying and telling God these babies in China were His children and I trusted Him no matter what. Makenna even had me leap for joy, which actually felt good.

After the leaping, I went to check the situation on the tracking # again. It had changed slightly and stated it was at the destination warehouse, but was not in transit. I got a little hopeful, and contacted Lifeline asking if it was even feasible for them to pick it up if it was there? She said they would have to pick it up next week anyway and that IF it was at the location they could run and get it. Now we were trying to beat the clock because DHL would pick up in less than 2 hours. She tried to call FedEx and couldn't get through (remember phone troubles). So she called me back to tell me she didn't know what to do, so I got on the phone. Again it took 20 minutes to get a helpful person, but indeed they did get through to the station that it was at and it was ready for pick up. Logan needed to be the one pick up because we put her as the "Attention", I was worried she wouldn't be able to as she said she would send "someone" to get it. But when I called her back I got her voice mail now. It was almost down to an hour for DHL pick up time. I sent her an email and within minutes she said she would go get it. 

AND...she got it and sent it with DHL in time. I think with 15 minutes to spare. God is so amazing. Even in these little things, which sometimes feel so big, He shows Himself at work. He does want our 2 babies home. He does control the little packages that come to be delivered. When I called about an hour before they said it was not at the station and it would be too late, but He proved them wrong. He gave us a gracious, wonderful Social Worker with our agency who went out of her way to help us. He is so good. And as of this afternoon we officially DTC...

Another interesting thing, is my husband had a FedEx package to pick up for his work today as well and it too was not there, delayed. The service worker told him that 80% of FedEx deliveries that were due today would not get delivered until tomorrow and he that it was weird ours got there like it did. But, you see, WE know it was not anything just weird, it was our GOD!

So in the end of my day, I have had a couple more minor struggles, but God has kept my eyes on Him. I didn't even make time read the Word today and He still works in my heart and gives me His Grace. I am so thankful. What do YOU want for Christmas? I want what God wants. I want families for the children all around the world, that if every Christian adopted just one, there would be no more orphans. I want my children to serve and love him with every ounce of who He created them to be, even if that means not being near me and living in the heart of Africa. I want to be a woman after His heart, who trusts Him in every situation knowing He is there and working out every little detail, even though I want to control it myself. 

Next post, I want to share some stories of real children who need families. Don't let your life be void of surrendering it all the Jesus. He wants to use you and me. He wants our hearts to be like His. And He has a desire to get orphans out of their dark hopeless state and show them His light.

Dossier IS Completed

We did finally get our immigration (I797) approval last week and promptly had it notarized, authenticated, and sent to our Chicago courier to have it certified by the Chinese Consulate. This way China will view the document as "Real" and truly certified. That is the process that all 13 of our dossier documents needed to go through for us to be able to send them to China. 

We had the other 12 which included: homestudy, birth certificates for Jay and me, marriage certificate, letters of employment for each of us (even me being a Homemaker), financial statements, medical reports for Jay and me, Police clearances and our letter to China asking to be adoptive parents to 2 of their precious children. There are also some other documents and things included, like family photos, passport photos and reference letters (including from our adult children). It is a daunting process to gather all those documents and not lose any of them and make sure all "I's" are dotted and "Ts" are crossed. China is very specific in wording and want the all around package to be precise. We will jump through these many hoops, as stressful as it can be to bring home our 2 new babies.

The plan should be that our agency will receive our last piece of paperwork (the I797) tomorrow morning, then send all the paperwork (the Dossier) to China tomorrow!! Our coordinator is on the look out for it tomorrow from FedEx, as the office will be closed the first 3 days next week, due to the holiday. We don't want to lose anytime. It will feel so good to be done with this step and then to sit and wait, and wait some more for now China's approval. 

Before approval can come, there is a short little wait called a Log In Date (LID). This is when China receives our dossier and enters it into their system, that they have it and will start processing it. That part can take anywhere from a few days to a few weeks. With Asher's adoption it was 2 weeks. 

After LID, we will then officially begin waiting for China's approval. The process goes through a translation process first and then an approval stage. With Asher's adoption we received Letter of Acceptance on day 38. It was very quick. We of course are praying for a quick approval this time, but with the averages being 60 days and with us adopting 2 children this time (which means China working with 2 provinces and might slow things down) we are going with the average. It could even be longer, of course. Some families have had over 100 day waits. But, again we lean on our God who is sovereign and in control of all of this process. 

I will keep updating as we have news and so appreciate your prayers.

We did get a couple of more updated photos of Isaiah and Elliana this week too! It is such a blessing to see their sweet little faces. We still don't have the updated questions we would like to know about Isaiah, but we just asked them 3 days ago. Ellie's updated questions came back in 24 hours!!

Here are the questions we asked and the answers we got, my questions and comments are in red, China answers are in black:

1. Weight and Height Measurements:  75cm, 8.5kg, 46cm head, 45cm chest, 10cm foot, 20 teeth

This was the answer they gave, but that means she has gained 3 lbs in 4 months (which I doubt and they usually weigh with clothing on; and her photos has her quite bundled up and that would mean her foot size is still in a baby size 2 or smaller. So I don't believe these measurements, but her feet do like very tiny)

2. Is she walking with help still or on her own? She needs to hold then walk. Can't walk alone. 

AND I wanted to add that she likely will not walk on her until she sees orthopedic surgeons in the US

3. How is her health, any sickness or surgeries recently? She has been healthy recently without any sickness or surgery.

4. What sort of developmental delays does she have? We feel her arms and legs are not quite flexible. Also her hands can't grasp things firmly. 

The video they sent, she can barely use her hands to manipulate the toy and that was the same back in August, so not much change. I am not sure what they mean by "flexible"?

5. What makes her calm and happy? She is happy to have toys or snacks. 

She is eating a sucker in the photo :)

6. Does she take a bottle for milk? Yes. 

This is good, praying that doesn't change as we need this for good healthy attachment.

7. What sort of foods does she eat? She eats noodle, congee, steamed egg, bun, bread, cracker, milk.

8. Does she say any words? Not much. But she can understand everything you talk to her. 

This is concerning to me, but God knows.

9. What sort of activities does she do during her day? She has therapy everyday. Then she plays toys with other children during spare time. 

Again, not sure about this either, she has all day to play with kids and toys, so she must have to spend a lot of time in crib because of management of so many children.





Here is the photo we got of her eating her sucker. I am sure they took it the day they sent it as we also got a 20 second video. Isn't she precious. 

We have had a little change in her name. We were going to name her Elliana Marie Jun (which is part of her Chinese name) but after thinking about it we are going to do Elliana Kate Jun (Kate is after my favorite great-grandmother's mother, "Kate" means pure). 

For Isaiah, here is the sweet photo we got of him, he still looks tiny but is still getting tender care from his Aunties, it is rare that they hold them while feeding them in orphanages. We have also picked a full name for him: Isaiah Calvert Tao (again part of his given Chinese name). Calvert was my grandfather's middle name. It's meaning is "cowboy". The meaning is nothing unique to us, but the man who held the name was a Godly, loving man and even though I never met him, I always admired his life and dreamed of knowing him.

 

Tonsils No More

Lenea (almost 5 years old) has had a host of sore throats for the last couple of years. Only strep throat officially once or twice. I lost track, as there was 2 years there before the middle 4 got out their tonsils that we were getting strep every other month it seemed like..It was miserable. But since Jake, Toby and Moriah got out their tonsils last year and the year before, no more strep!!

Anyway, Lenea has acid reflux, allergies that produce constant runny nose and sneezes, and sore throats. When she gets a common cold, her tonsils swell up and "hurt" for a week or two after the cold is gone. And she snores.

So, it was off to the ENT. And yep, he suggested she get them pulled and her adnoids were HUGE as well. So last Thursday she got them out. She was really brave. She is getting braver all the time. She also starting getting allergy shots with myself, Jake, Moriah and Toby. In the past she has been terrified of shots of any kind. On her 3 year check up she needed 3 immunizations and there was a very large nurse who held her legs down while another one shot both of her thighs up. She was screaming and kicking from the get-go and of course that made it hurt all the more.

Well this year, she had to give blood to confirm a Tree Nut allergy (yep still has it) and start allergy shots. She has been so brave!! Our allergist's office staff are amazing women, really. Our last allergist was a joke. He was kind enough, but didn't listen to my concerns and questions. He didn't give me clear answers, basically I felt I knew more than he did; and his staff (at least some of them, not all) were rude and slow. We had to wait 30 minutes following each injection. So when there were 6 of us at a time getting shots, weekly at times, and they were slow to give them, we would spend an hour in the waiting room. It became old and my older kids didn't even want to finish their therapy.

Last year I had had enough with the rude nurses and switched doctors. I am so happy to report that these new nurses treat us almost like family (yes, there are still 5 of us coming in and more in the future). They see us weekly, they make the kids laugh and are kind and brag on them for doing such a good job. A big bonus is that it is literally 3 minutes from our house and we ONLY have to wait 20 minutes, plus they are fast. I can even call when we are on the way and let them know, so they prepare our injections ahead of time. I LOVE it..

Anyway, that was a bit of a bunny trail. But my point being that Lenea has been so extremely brave lately. She even smiles when she gets her shots and the allergy nurses are key in that by the way they praise her.

So surgery day she was brave and almost excited. The versed they gave her ahead of surgery, made her quite silly as she was laying in bed watching Sesame Street for the first time in her life. She laughed and laughed and even called them "My Friends" while she touched the screen. It was hard not to laugh at her state.

After surgery her doctor said she did great and had very large adenoids. He wanted to keep her overnight for swelling possibility because of the amount of tissue he removed and her age. I was tired already and didn't really expect it since the other 3 kids got to go home. However, I trust and like our doctor very much. He also did my sinus surgery 18 months ago. He did say that if I felt she was doing really well she may be able to go home early.

Up to pediatrics ward we went. She was greeting with a sweet nurse, a balloon, a school bus bag and a sweet handmade pillow case for her to keep. She was excited. But not so excited as she started getting hungry and they would only allow her to have a clear liquid diet. ( That is only jello, juice, popsicles and broth. ) The first few popsicles were fine, but after that she wanted something else. Her pain was managed "okay" with plain Tylenol (and really has been since surgery). Finally, by 7, she still hadn't slept all day (since waking up at 10:15 or so) and I thought she was doing great, she was just starving. So, I asked the nurse to call the doctor and ask if she could go home that night. It of course took an hour to figure it out, but they did allow her to have a soft diet and I ordered her Mac N. Cheese, which she devoured....We got to go home about 8 that night. It was so great to go home. She had a bit of a rough night those first 2 nights, although not horrible. During the day she has played pretty much all day, but does complain of pain a bit here and there. Her biggest challenge has been she doesn't really want to eat, I don't blame her. But tonight I did take her out to do some Christmas shopping and we stopped and got some French Fries and she loved them. So I think her appetite is coming back, or the pain is getting less.

It has been a night and day difference in her recovery compared to my 2 boys and even her sister, who doesn't really complain when she isn't feeling well anyway. So I am thankful that we got it done now. Age really does seem to make a big difference for littles with surgeries. When they tell you that they bounce back quickly, they really do!! Even with Asher's palate repair back in June, he was playing the next day, although fussy here and there and had sleep issues.

On another side note, Asher is having another surgery January 9th for Lip and Nose Revision. It is an out patient this time and supposed to be an even easier recovery than the palate repair, But it will be an obvious incision for all to see and we will have to do some special things to protect it more and help it not to scar.

Worship and Consecration

We had an especially worshipful weekend. Eliza, Moriah and Lenea, 3 of our girls, have been taking worship dance and ballet this last semester. It is a wonderful dance school, that we had been a part of years ago for about 5 years. But due to the drive (it takes us about 40 min one way) and the busyness in our lives we had to stop for a time. However, Lenea has been begging me to take dance and I knew Eliza loved it when she took classes before, so we made the weekly sacrifice of driving and spending 4 hours while they each took their lessons every Friday. We plan to do it again this next semester and I hope it works out for the next year. I do know that with Elliana and Isaiah, it might be too hard to manage for some time, so we will see.

This last Friday was the Worship performance. It is always a huge blessing, and a time of sharing testimonies and giving God all the glory. I think I have watched about 8 of these performances and each time I am moved to tears of joy for God's glory. It really is an amazing time.

Here are some of my beautiful daughters worshiping Jesus.

 This was Dress Rehearsal and Lenea is our 4 year old, 2nd from the left.

 This was the actual performance and Lenea is the 3rd from the left. This group was so, so cute.There song was "God Is Good" by Marantha.

Here she is with the red rose her Daddy gave her. She was so excited to be a "real" dancer tonight and not just playing at home.

 Again, dress rehearsal for our 9 year old, Moriah. She is the left in the maroon skirt.

 Moriah, waiting for her turn to go at the performance with her other dancemates.
She is in the middle with the maroon skirt.

 Here they are worshiping to a full house, Moriah is the middle girl, standing a bit forward. Their song was, "So Good To Me", by Shout to the Lord Kids.

 Eliza, our 14 year old, she is doing her dress rehearsal here. She is the brunette in the front with hands stretched out.

 Here is the performance and Eliza is 3rd from the left. This group was large, with 15 girls and their dance was to "Never Underestimate My Jesus", by Relient K.

After LOTS of shopping yesterday grocery and Christmas, we had my mom over for her birthday dinner. Then today at church we had s special service dedicated to children and families. Our church is fairly young and evolving so they had never had a "dedication" of sorts for children. Today we got "caught" up. It will become a more regular event now, but today we had 17 families consecrating a total of 40 children to the Lord. Some of the children are in the home, some in the womb, some in other countries waiting to come home by adoption and some haven't even been revealed yet (families that are starting the adoption process but don't know whom their child will be).

It was a precious time. Our pastor gave a sermon on children and then the Consecration Service began.

We dedicated Lenea and Asher, whom we have not done publicly before now. And we also dedicated Elliana and Isaiah, even though they are yet to legally become our children and are still in China, we want to make known we think of them as our children today and promise to raise them in the admonition of the Lord, for His service and kingdom.

Here we are, with Elliana in the background while we Consecrate her to the Lord.

Lenea

Lenea's name is a version of a family name.. April and her mother both have the middle name "Lenee" (pronounced like Renee with a L beginning) which was derived from April's French Great-Great Grandmother with the last name Mar-Lenee. The meaning of  Lenee is "Light" or "beautiful Light"

Her defining attribute is: Prayerful Advocate
  
Her defining purpose: Lenea's defining purpose to be a light for the weak and helpless . 

Asher

Asher's name means joyful, happy. 

His defining attribute is: Joyful Strength

His defining purpose: Asher's defining purpose it to count it all Joy in the Strength the Lord has given him and be strength for the hopeless.


Elliana


Elliana's name means "God has answered".


Her defining purpose: Elliana's defining purpose is to Be God's Voice for the needy.


Isaiah

Isaiah's name means "God is salvation".

His defining purpose: Isaiah's defining purpose is to share the Good News of God's salvation.

We Gotcha....a year ago today...

One year ago today, we walked into the life of a precious 21 month old boy, whom we named Asher Thomas Quan (pronounced Ch' u en). We had been praying for him and falling in love with him for already 9 months. However, he didn't know anything about us yet. We had sent photos of our family and we do know he was shown them, but how much can a toddler comprehend?

He was not afraid of us on that first meeting, when he was "unfairly" taken from his foster family early that morning and brought to an office building where adoption paperwork is signed. All he likely knew was that he was going for a ride, given some cookies, and got to play on some toys with some other possible, familiar faces around him (there were a few nannies from the orphanage who had known him a little bit likely and 3 other children that he met monthly at the orphanage). When we walked into the room our hearts were racing, anxiety a little high not sure how he would respond to us, but so full of joy and excitement that we were finally meeting our son.

He was apprehensive for about 20 minutes, but allowed us to play with him, give him a sucker, sit on my lap and even let his new Daddy throw him in the air, with giggles that followed. We spent maybe 90 minutes maximum at this office, signing papers for us to take 24 hours to decide if we wanted to adopt him. They were sort of letting us "foster" him for the next 24 hours, so it was a bit different than adoption. 

It would not have mattered to us, we would have signed the adoption paperwork that minute. He was our son and we would have done anything to make that happen. We knew God had brought him into our lives and we already loved him like he was ours. We followed the formality of the system, understanding the reasoning. Unfortunately, some families do end up not accepting the child they intended to adopt after that 24 hour period. But for us it was a done deal from the moment we met his face in a photo and read what little we knew about his life.

Then we were off. We went to the grocery store to buy some diapers, as they sent none and he was in a very full diaper. I had a few but it would not last 2 weeks. Also, we needed formula, again he was sent with nothing except a bag of opened cookies and some spicy chips of some weird sort that were half eaten and he wouldn't even touch (I think the nannies enjoyed them more than he did.) And he needed shoes. He was wearing very worn out girl shoes that were too small. So off to the store for our needed items and some other things and then back to the hotel. He played with his new big sister Lenea, for a little bit and let me give him a bottle, which he only drank 2 oz at a time then. Then he fell asleep in my arms and slept for 4 hours. He didn't cry really at all. He seemed undaunted by the fact that we looked, spoke and smelled nothing like he had ever witnessed before. He sort of just fit in right away. We knew it had to be God.

He slept with us that first night but sort of at a distance. I kept my hand on him the entire night, so he would know I wasn't far even if he didn't want to touch me himself. He slept pretty good, with one wake up for about an hour, fussing and whining but went back to sleep.  But night #2 was much different. He woke up scared, bewildered and angry about 1 AM that night. I took him out of the bed, as Lenea and Jay were still sleeping, and tried to give him a bottle. He wouldn't take it and just kept pushing me away but then wanted me to hold him at the same time. It was obvious that things were sinking in and he wasn't sure he wanted to be there. It ended up being 4 hours of him sobbing, as a toddler can do. It wasn't like a tantrum, but more like grieving. I had tears at times myself, but then I just began singing some praise songs in his ear over and over and over and over again. I held him close and eventually he let me feed him some milk. When he finally settled down, he would not leave my side in that bed. He held onto me for dear life.

 During the day, he was a typical toddler who was asserting his independence and ran around touching everything in site. I don't think he had boundaries in his life and was not used to having things he couldn't touch. He learned "No" quickly though and we began teaching him signs (the few we knew) as he couldn't talk at all. Signing helped him tremendously, it was if the light went on in his mind that he could communicate and be "heard". All he did up to that point was grunt. Nighttime however, was his way of processing his experience and the trauma of it all. He would latch onto me or Jay, usually me as we were trying to help him bond to my primarily first, and when he woke he was terrified. 

He would cry or whine and hit himself, and did this a couple times a night for up to an hour each time. It was heartbreaking. His sleep was restless and unpeaceful those first few days. He did nap each day so that helped us get through that time. I ended up being by myself with him the last week, as Jay and Lenea headed back home. It was an exhausting 8 days, but God helped me through and we bonded so much. during that time. He was still terrified if I left his side, which I really couldn't and at waking up, but he was feeling more and more at ease and comfortable with me.

Upon coming home to the US, he was stirred up a bit the first week. I think jet lag and meeting new brothers and sisters and coming into another new environment (we had 3 different hotels in China) was all about that. He settled into a routine easily and even began eating a lot more. In China, he was very picky and wouldn't eat very much a time. He only weighed 22 lbs so I was concerned. Once we were home he began eating up to 6 oz bottles (remember only 2 oz in China),  and he began eating foods (not everything still a bit picky but enough , in China he would eat maybe a few bites of yogurt and a few noodles but that was it). So it was a quick adjustment.

He loved his brothers and sisters right away. Some of them are more of the "in your face" type of children and he didn't appreciate that for a while. He would just hit them in the face, so they usually just learned to back off. But the ones that were quietly sitting by his side and would wait for his cue were quickly accepted into his heart. He especially loved the oldest brother and sisters, who all seemed to be mini Mamas and Daddies in his mind. We had to be careful not to confuse him, by letting him attach to them too much before he was attached to Mama and Daddy. So we controlled the things they could do for him and the amount of time they loved on him. I am so appreciative for all their love and support and understanding about that, because each of them just wanted to snatch him up and love on  him like they did with all the other baby siblings that came home in the past. I know it was hard for them to keep hands off a lot of the time.

So tonight we celebrated this precious boy's life and us becoming a family to him. God has taught me so much the last year about love and how my heart could grow so full for a child that I did not birth. I truly birthed him in my heart and I could only think of him as My son. It has been a wonderful year with him in our family. I celebrate every day the Lord has given me with him.

On tonight's menu we had Fried Rice, Chicken Lettuce Wraps, Lemon Chicken and Mandarin Oranges. I thought he would like at least the rice and lemon chicken, but he would only eat the oranges and one bite of the chicken, only because he wanted to try the chopsticks. He is definitely a picky toddler. Oh well, the rest of us ate it all up, especially the Lettuce Wraps.. yummy!

 I also am sharing his Adoption Video that is finally completed. If you don't want to watch the entire 13 minutes, you can skip ahead about 1/4 way through and see his Gotcha Day video footage.

Oh, I also wanted to share that we did drive down to the immigration office this morning. What a test of faith for me. We were greeted with a very grumpy security guard who was not going to allow us to print. But Jay would not take "No" for an answer and asked to talk to the Supervisor. We waited 10 minutes for him to get off the phone, while all along observing that the office was pretty quiet, with at least 2 finger print technicians just sitting there. The supervisor was almost as grumpy as the guard and it was obvious he wanted to turn us away. After Jay gave our case and explained the reasons he didn't seem empathetic but just said "I will think about it and let you know", then ushered Jay out of this office and closed the door. We sat silently in the chairs and I just prayed, still keeping faith that the Lord wanted us do complete them today and that He would take care of all of it. About 20 minutes later the supervisor came out of his office and handed our paperwork to the guard. The guard called us up and gave us the paperwork to fill out and said nothing else to us. I was silently praising God knowing he had changed the heart of the "kings" on our behalf. After filling out the paperwork we were printed and out of there in 5 minutes..!!! Praise the Lord. So keep praying that the finger prints are acceptable, if not we have trek down there again; as well that USCIS approval will come that first week of December. That is only 2 weeks away, I am so happy to be almost done with this next step as well. A little closer to our precious China sweeties.


Now, onto the video: We Love You Asher!!

A Simple Prayer Request

Our finger print appointment letters did come in afterall, on Saturday. Right after I posted the last time on the blog and the mail came and there they were. God did prove faithful....Praise Him, Praise Him.

So the appointment they gave us was not until December 12....A little out there when our receipt date was October 31 and they are currently approving applications within about 35 days right now. But that won't happen if prints aren't in. And there is always a chance that the prints can not be acceptable too, so it really doesn't make sense for us to wait that long, when we could very well be approved before the 12th. So tomorrow we are driving an hour to our state capital to attempt a walk in finger print. 

I am asking for prayer for anyone who reads this before tomorrow at about 9 MST that the immigration office will have favor for us and our attempt to finger print early. And please pray that the prints will be acceptable. Makenna is able to get off school tomorrow for the holiday, and it will be harder for her to go on the 12th. They could turn us away, so please pray that they don't.

I will update tomorrow what the results were, but I have faith that the Lord is going to answer our prayers. I know he is going to bring our babies home early June...

Thank you for praying.

Satan's Tactic and Unexpected Blessings

So, this week we have still haven't gotten our finger print appointment for immigration, although the mail hasn't come in today, so it could still be today. I really prayed it would be here by this week and had faith it would so we could go on Wednesday to get them done. It seems within a couple weeks of getting printed you get approved and with the holidays in the works, my plan was to move as quickly as possible.

My heart has been so aching for our 2 little babies this week.  I know it is God using this time to help me already to begin bonding and attaching to two toddlers I have never met. My prayers are not worthless, He is at work in all of this, even in the timing.

Satan has tried to discourage me this week, but I am joyfulling going to proclaim I will NOT listen to his noise. I KNOW without a doubt that God is working through this adoption and protecting our two babies and going to make a way for us to get to them and bond with them. I will share more good news about that in a bit.

We have had sickness in our home for going a month now. My husband and I even got a bad case of bronchitis that has kept us up at night for 2 weeks, but the antibiotics have already almost wiped it out. The thing is that my kids aren't totally over it yet. Even Asher got sick and has had some sleepless nights, but he is doing better the last couple. My oldest daughter had it at the start  4 or 5 weeks ago, and then last night she seems to have come down with something again. She is not the only one like that; it is either manifesting in secondary infections or we got a whole new virus going through again. 

Then the other morning Makenna's newish car (we just bought in June, but is is 12 years old) seems to have a transmission that died. We just replaced the ignition part on it last month and the mechanic said all looked good. But when it is spilling transmission fluid every where (which she did not know) and then doesn't start, it is not a good sign. We are getting it towed to the mechanic today and he will work on it. But we don't have the money for it until next payday in two weeks and that money was supposed to be for our December adoption fees that are due.

So with these few little annoyances that are coming from Satan and his attacks it could be easy to get discouraged. But I am learning that God wants me to roll with the punches and not waiver in my walk. If hard things come my way, which they should if I am a believer in Christ, then I should expect it and still stand firm in the Lord, on the Rock. I should actually be joyful in it all, knowing God is mightily at work in my life. That is an amazing thing that the God of all nations loves me that much to make me into His masterpiece. I don't deserve it.

 I have had times in my life where I would stress over difficult things. I would quiver over life's hurricanes thinking I could not survive. I would fall to my knees if my children were not doing what they should, imagining they would eventually walk a path of destruction for good. It is funny to admit today that I felt that way, because Jesus was always there. He was in the boat with me when life brought a storm. He knew that Satan was putting doubt and fear in my mind. He is always there for me to call out to, and just like he did for the disciples He will come and rebuke the storm, rebuke Satan and show His glory. Why should I fear these attacks? Why should I fear even death. Death's sting is not in actually dying, because I will end up with Christ, which sounds wonderful to me honestly. But the sting is when we don't have faith, and we don't know where we are going to go. I know where I am going and honestly I can't wait to get to my true home. I feel like a foreigner on this earth, for good reason.


As far as the car, well we don't have the money today, but hopefully we will in 2 weeks. We will keep praying for God to provide for those agency fees another way. I did sell $75 worth of stuff yesterday that we have been wanting to sell. And another sweet family gave us $100 for our adoption.  Then a wonderful family at Makenna's school has a 2nd car that they are letting her borrow for now so I don't have to take her back and forth to school every day. Not only is it a nice car, but it is nicer than we could every afford. She is driving in style and getting very spoiled. God is already working out details.


So, I still have faith that those finger prints will get done in a timely way and that immigration approval will come by December and we will be logged into China in December. I am beginning to pray that we can leave for China that last week of May. It seems to be an ideal time. Makenna will just have graduated school and it will be a week before Elliana's 3rd birthday. How I so want to celebrate her birthday with her. 

Then as far as Isaiah, I have some unexpected blessings and answers to prayers that we just received about him in the last 24 hours. I have been asking for an update through our agency for weeks and still have had nothing. I recently joined the yahoo group for his orphanage. Yesterday I decided to finally introduce myself and ask if anyone else had trouble getting an update and if anyone would be traveling soon to the orphanage and get some photos of our boy. Within an hour of posting that I heard from the owner of Fulingkids.org which is an organization that sponsor the children in his orphanage and educates the Aunties (Nannies) how to better take care of the children. It seems like a wonderful group of people.

 Anyway, the lady told me she thinks she saw Isaiah in July 2011 (when he was just 11 months old) and she fell in love with him AND she had photos of him. She asked if it was him. I wasn't exactly sure as the couple we have him, did look similar but not exact. However, when she looked at the photo I had and I told her his name, she was sure it was him. She was very happy. She too had gone on a trip in April 2012 and was worried when he wasn't there because he was having his 2nd surgery. So she was able to tell me that her first trip how responsive he was to her and how much she loved on him. Then the other partner for Fuling Kids emailed me as well and said that she had been to the orphanage in June 2012 (just a few months ago) and that Isaiah is doing beautifully. She said he was VERY active, although not quite walking yet, but almost. She said he did whatever he could to get their attention and he was very cute and loveable. She also sent me photos from that trip and he is smiling!!

 Isn't he precious? I am also very happy to report that I heard about the tying of the legs in the photos I saw earlier. She assured me that they ties were not on tight and she changed many diapers and the children did not have any scars or sores from them. It truly was just to hold on the diapers and my initial assessment of it was incorrect (although I have heard truth in some orphanages but not his).

It seems to that Fuling Kids regularly goes to his orphanage and actually have a partnership with them that they get to primarily train and educate the Aunties on the best way to care for the children. It sounds as if he is in excellent hands as far as orphanages can be. So our daily prayers that someone will love on him is what I know we will get. Look at his smile, it is obvious he is loved.

Orphan Awareness Month

On Wednesday, October 31st, our immigration paperwork was received at USCIS. That is called our receipt date. Now we will be waiting for our finger print notice and then we will drive about an hour to our state capital to get those done. Then the  prayers are that in a couple weeks following prints we would get approved to adopt 2 Chinese orphans and be able to make them US citizens.

This is typically one of the longer US side waits. After our 11 week criminal clearance wait this will feel fast. Right now they are taking about 5 weeks. The holidays may slow it down a few days and if there is a huge influx of adoptions in the coming weeks it could slow it down too, but I am praying for that first week of December to have approval.

Then that document will need to be notarized with Jay's and my signature, and driven to our state capital again for the notary to be authenticated. Then we will pay about $150 for a courier to get it authenticated in Chicago at the Chinese Embassy. Then she will overnight it to our agency. where they will finally send our all dossier to China!! What a happy day that will be.

The last couple days I have really been having a burden to get to our new little ones and bring them home. We pray daily for their protection and for someone, just one person even, to love on them and show God's grace. It is so hard, knowing that even the "best" orphanages are not a home, not a place to be nurtured. Yes, they might be "well" taken care of and yes, they might even be being shown love. But how can just a few nannies manage to nurture and truly love 30 or 40 babies? I have seen photos of Isaiah's orphanage, that were only a year old and all the babies are lying in beds alone. Only one of them had a nanny sitting on the crib holding the bottle. The other babies were holding their own bottles and their eyes looked so lost and just surviving. And not only that but the babies all had their legs tied together, which I assume was to hold on their diapers. But it was obvious that it was an archaic way to keep them on and many were too tight and kept the babies immobile. I don't blame the nannies  as China has one of the better orphanage systems typically around the world, although I am sure not all of them are "good" to the babies. I have heard many true horrific stories as well, of abuse and neglect.  How can they have hope at this sweet age when they are just run through a "boarding house", with yes, decent care givers but one that has an assembly line to take care of their basic needs? With maybe 1 hour away from their backs in a crib. Al of those babies and children need Mommies, Daddies and siblings to dote on them and meet their longing to be truly wanted.They have already been abandoned, it is not a pretty picture or life to imagine. It is reality.

Please pray for all the orphans around the entire world. There is over 145 million children without at least one parent. November is "Orphan Awareness" Month. Please make this a time to teach your children to be the advocates for the weak and helpless who can not speak for themselves.

Help your friends who are adopting. Support them when they return with their children with a meal or offering to babysit the other children. Help support them financially if you feel led. Can you give up a Starbucks coffee once a week to help a family who feels led to bring home one of these precious children? There would be many more families who would adopt if they had the money to do so. Unfortunately the government is taking away the tax credit after this year for all adoptive families, besides special needs from the US only.

 We do have a new side bar that has a sponsorship link for Reeces Rainbow for our adoption, which is tax deductible. If you are able to help us, how blessed we all would be. However, I know there are so many needs in our world today, so I am not going to beg for your help, but more for your prayers. And mostly that you would follow God in becoming advocates and true sponsors of all needy children around the world. This IS God's heart. We in America have SO SO much, it is sickening. And if we don't get what we think we need, we complain. I admit I am guilty of this before too. God is teaching me and showing me. There are dieing children all over our world. Not just lonely, hurting children, but children dieing without Christ spiritually. Satan would like nothing more than to keep them in the dark. I believe we as Christ follows should do what HE would do and that is have the children come to Him, love them and heal them.

 There is also another link for Compassion. Please consider sponsoring a Compassion child. It is ONLY $38 a month, which provides education, teaching about Christ, clean water, nutrition and medical help. Our family sponsors several and we have been so blessed by the sweet little letters we have received from our children. We also pray daily for them. My children are learning how to give up Christmas gifts in order to help children who otherwise don't even have shoes to wear. My children are learning "Compassion".  

The other prayer I am asking for is Isaiah. It has been a month since asking for an update on his weight, health and more photos. The one we have is almost a year old. However, our agency has not heard anything. I am having a difficult time not worrying about him, wondering why they would not send the asked information. I know they are busy and that is likely the reason. But what if he is sick? We also still have a local Chinese heart surgeon looking and translating his last surgery which was done last April. It does seem to be another open heart surgery. He had been put in the hospital with a cold and then had the surgery done. We feel for this little boy even more. He has been through so much in his 2 little years of life. Please pray for his safety and that God would move mountains to help us get to Elliana and Isaiah as quick as possible.

His Light and the Truth

Some interesting things that spoke to me in today's sermon:

Satan, the Enemy, is the Deceiver and wants me to believe things that aren't true. Some of them I have fallen for.

The biggest lie I have believed is that when things are difficult, painful and down right scary that I should look inward to myself for the answers. This can lead to a Pity Party, depression, anger, hurtful actions or words toward others, blaming others, and sometimes taking things in "my" own control and making it worse. 

But God's Truth and Light is that I should look upward, toward Christ, the Prize. That God is not a God of darkness, fear, doubt, condemnation and confusion. He keeps his promises, He finishes the work he began, He is always with me,  He is my Healer, my Provider, my Comforter, He loved Me first-while I was a sinner (so why do I worry that He will stop loving me when I do wrong things?), and that He has, through a covenant, given me His name (as in a marriage) that I will always have. He is my husband and I, His bride. Just like a good earthly husband would fight and protect for his bride, and not make her do certain things to keep his name, God is the perfect husband. He always has my best interest in mind, even when I fail. In fact scriptures tell me that it was He gives grace and extra help to the humble and lowly. James 4:6 "But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble."

When my heart tells me I am a failure, that is the Enemy's tactic to get me looking away from Jesus. If we are feeling there is no other way but to believe the lie that we can't do it anymore, whatever that might be, then that is blindness (from the Deceiver) and not from God. God has a different opinion about my weakness and where my hope should be.

1 John 3:19-21 "And hereby we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before him. For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things. Beloved, if our heart condemn us not, [then] have we confidence toward God."

This means that the truth is that even when our hearts condemn us (we know we failed or we are too feeble and incapable of doing some "impossible" task) that God is greater than our heart, and deeply knows all things intimately about us. He is a God of hope, forgiveness, redemption, healing, and Light.