Weekends are hard when you are so close to receiving some good news about adoption. Ironically, at the same time, it is sort of a relief not to think about it for a couple of days because it has to wait until Monday, so no need spending energy fretting about it anyway. Although, prayer is always important whatever day of the week or hour it is.
Adoption is a roller coaster of emotions. First, just the decision to pursue adoption can be weighty all alone in itself. Does God really want us to adopt again? How will we come up with the money, the thousands of dollars to adopt, when we live paycheck to paycheck like most Americans? Am I a good enough, loving and wise parent who should be adopting a child with a traumatic history and special physical needs? How will I manage another child and find time for the rest of our family? What if our adopted child resents the fact that we adopted him and even took him from his homeland?
All of these questions came to my mind at some point in our adoption journeys, which began 2 1/2 years ago. God is ever so patient with me and walked me through each question with gentleness and truth. But that did not stop Satan from trying to trip me and discourage me, with his lies. Sometimes I believed the lies and had to have the Lord show me He was in control. I am so thankful that He is the Sovereign Lord and I can rebuke Satan in His name.
The other emotional decisions for adoptive parents are when you look at the faces of potential adoptable children and aren't sure if that is your child. All the children we looked at were precious and could have fit into our family if the Lord desired it. All of them were worthy to be loved in a family. But was it to be our family? Was that the child the Lord had set aside for us to raise, love and care for? Oh, how hard it was to make those decisions. When we did see Elliana's file at first I wasn't so sure. She looked very tiny, very delayed (even labeled that with no description) and with her leg issue I was concerned she may never walk and tried to imagine myself caring for a child like that. It scared me at first, but when we prayed faithfully for God's will, when I realized that my heart was being pulled toward her file and not the other file we had been looking at, the peace came. I began to only imagine her being our daughter, even if it meant brain damage and her never walking. It was going to be God's will for me and I had decided she was my daughter and I just needed to rescue her.
The interesting thing was that in August 2012 when we made that decision, each piece of information we got about her from then on she was only growing stronger and getting bigger. She still looked and sounded smaller than the average child her age, but the Lord was already answering our prayers. And she CAN walk with help we are told, just not on her own. The doctors in the states who looked at her file were very hopeful they could help her to walk no matter what the problem was and they encouraged us to get her out of the orphanage, home in a family and give her a chance. We were fully committed to her and couldn't wait to become her parents.
Her name Elliana means "God has answered" and He did do that in a faithful way for us to choose her.
When we saw Isaiah's file, besides the fact that he was adorable, I wasn't so sure we could take on a child with severe heart conditions. And his file was very vague as to how China had treated it. The more we prayed about and the more we educated ourselves about it we also came to the same conclusion that he was our son and we were ONLY to step forward to become his parents.
There were days, with trembling, that I asked the Lord to stop the adoption if it was not His will. Oh my heart hurt to ask Him that. I cried tears in my praying, feeling so inadequate, but so wanting to be the Mama to those precious babies. I want God's will for those children's lives. I want His will for my life and the other children He has already given me to parent. I know without a doubt that in my flesh I can NOT be a good mother. I am weak, lazy, impatient, distracted and selfish. But because Christ lives in me and I am standing in His promises and in His Grace I am the mother He wants me to be for all my children.
This last week, I was so, so ready to get our Travel Approval from China saying they were ready for us to come get Elliana and Isaiah. Afterall, it had been the average time frame for waiting, it would work out for us to fly on May 23rd which fits our schedule perfectly. I have priced plane tickets. I have looked at hotels. I have begun packing. I am so busy in other things too and I know it will be a whirlwind of craziness. We were told on Wednesday that China had been processing our TA and should be here soon. Unfortunately, today when our agency received the approval for many other families, ours was not included. It was a very big let down. While I was still praising Jesus for His faithfulness and while I still have faith that it will come early next week and we can leave on the 23rd, I had an emotional feeling that this wait is never going to end. Some of the people who got TA this week have been waiting less than us. And I think at least one has been waiting longer than us. It seems that with China there is no reason for their time frame. It comes when it comes and you are at their mercy. Our wonderful agency was so kind in that they called us to let us know that they know we are anxious and waiting and they are going to check into it on Sunday. However, many times answers just don't come.
So this weekend, I breath a relief that I can just pray this weekend for the Lord's will and timing and not have to stress about the phone ringing or not ringing. But I will be begging Him to open the floodgates from China for our approval to come Monday or Tuesday. He is a God that understands our hearts and He is a God that listens to prayers.
Please pray for this Travel Approval to come next week and that we CAN travel on May 23rd. I hope to post good news next week!!
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