What An Amazing Concert~~

Have you heard of His Little Feet ? Our family had the privilege of seeing this latest group from this ministry, sing at their last performance before they head home this coming weekend.

These 14 children, are from Ethiopia and Honduras. They are ages 6-14. They are precious, beautiful children! The even sweeter part is that yesterday all 14 of them were baptized. We got to see the video of it and hear their testimonies. Many of them have been Christians for several years and some are new Christians since coming to the states with His Little Feet, these last 10 months.

They sang their little hearts out to Jesus, in a hot, packed out church with huge smiles and hugs to offer at the end. All of these children are orphans as well and are up for adoption with America World Adoption.

Here are some precious photos. I was so blessed by these children.

Has It Been 2 Weeks Already?

Two weeks ago was Asher's palate repair.
I am so glad it is all done with! Yeah, I am shouting for joy. The doctor was able to complete the entire palate surgery with this one. We are thrilled. If it heals up completely he will be done with the palate  until he is about 8-10, for the bone grafting surgery. But because of the success of the  surgery, the surgeon did NOT allow us to give him a bottle following surgery like he first said, as he really didn't want to have do it again, for Asher's sake. I was not happy and neither was Asher. But we did figure out the Tender Care Feeders were a good enough substitute. But it has been a challenge, as he really misses that feeding and bonding time with Mama.

It wasn't a complicated surgery, but the night's stay in the hospital was a difficult experience for him. He cried for hours through out the night, in my arms in the hospital bed. I am not sure it was because he was in pain, as we really tried to keep up on that well. I think it had more to do with the fact that he was put in Peds ICU, which meant we had a regular room but had a nurse sitting on the side of our bed the entire time he was there. He just did NOT trust those people and he did NOT want to be there. He cried every time they touched him, even for temp reads and blood pressures.


They were really kind and compassionate toward him. I made a care plan out and had it in his chart. They made sure each nurse read it and followed it. I focused mostly on his medical trauma instead of adoption and attachment. As unfortunately, I have been finding that most medical professionals are clueless about attachment and always have an opinion to give about what we are doing to facilitate that (ie still giving him the bottle, co-sleeping, no other care givers etc.). So I focused on what I new they would get and they were much more willing to comply with gentle and understanding care as long as he was not having complications. Thank the Lord, he did not.

So we came home the following afternoon and he was so happy to see and play with everyone. I took him of the pain meds the next day, after he threw up from them and still wasn't eating well. I put him strictly on tylenol and it seemed to control the pain okay. Plus, he finally wanted to eat. It still took another few days for him to eat a lot, but a small couple bites of applesauce was better than nothing.

We saw the surgeon last Thursday and he said it all is healing up wonderfully. He is encouraging us to do the lip and nose revision this fall/winter. I am really going to pray about it. While I do trust our surgeon, I am just not ready for another surgery today. I want to do what the Lord wants though, and He knows what is best.

The biggest reason I am not ready, is that this surgery seemed to bring up trauma issues for Asher during sleep time again. This was something we dealt with the first few months he was home and we were finally there at I believe a healing place. He is already doing better today than he was a week ago. However, I am not sure if that would be good or not for him to do another surgery so soon. The good news is that the doctor did say we can still give him the bottle after that surgery, although Asher may not feel like taking it for a few days.

So we will be praying and asking God for HIS best in this decision.

Daddy holding Asher for the 30 minutes after they gave him Versed to help be relaxed and not have memory prior and during to walking back to surgery. He was fine up until the last 5 minutes, then he started to cry, since he did not like the weird feeling and that he couldn't hold his head up. Poor Guy. When the nurse came to get him, he willingly went with her in his arms. They never did make us put hospital PJs on him, thanks to my Care Plan. We just took of his shirt and he kept his diaper and PJ shorts on. It really helped the transition go smoother for him.

 This is where Jay and I waited for almost 4 hours during his surgery. It wasn't the must comfy place to sit but it worked. We have decided that while we really like the Ottomans they have, it would have been nice to have a higher backed couch to lean your head back on, or maybe a pillow.

 His wonderful anesthesiologist kept his word, and as soon as Asher was taken to recovery he came to the waiting room and got me. I sat, or should I say stood by his bed for 2 1/2 hours as he would just NOT wake up. His vitals were great, breathing well on his own, just quite a tired boy. I got to know his nurse really well though. 

After about 2 hours he did make some communication to us (Jay was finally back with me as well). He signed, with his eyes closed, "more" and "help". I told the nurse that and she wrote it down as communicating, since that was one of the things they needed to move him to Pediatrics. However, he did still continue to sleep, he was just very comfortable. I finally convinced the nurse that after all that time I thought it would be more stressful for him if we waited for him to wake up and then promptly move him to another room. She agreed and got permission to move him before he woke since his vitals had been so great and it had been so long, after all. Wouldn't you know it, he woke when she wheeled him to the elevator and Jay and I weren't with him? It was only for a few minutes, but I so wanted us to be the first that he saw. Maybe that is why he woke? Because after we had been standing by his side, he then sensed we weren't there with him anymore?

This was the hour before he got to come home. Daddy came back to relieve me so I could actually use the bathroom and get changed and brush my teeth. The nurse got discharge papers ready and we left shortly after. But Asher really enjoyed this wagon. I have no pictures of the time between recovery and this, as all I did was hold that little boy and listen to him moan and cry a lot in my arms from about 5 PM until the next morning. He did perk up a lot when Daddy came about 10 AM. He was a trooper and I came home and had a huge stress let down. I was tired, but so thankful it was done and a success. Thank you to our wonderful doctors and nurses.

How Asher has Grown and What Tommorrow Will Bring

Today, I sit next to my bed, watching a sweet little child I call "my own", sleep. He has come to trust us on a new level, the last 6 months he has been our son. And today he has no idea what lays ahead for tomorrow.

Asher is now 2 and almost 4 months old. He is a typical active toddler, all "boy". From the time his little 3 foot body begins stirring (about 6:30 AM), until he falls asleep for each nap and bedtime, he is on the go! Literally, when I sit by his bed at 9 o'clock at night, and I know he is so tired (in fact he asks me to go to his crib) he just tosses and turns, pushes the bed, flips and flops for about an hour or more. Then all of a sudden he begins his little "tune" (he sort of hums himself to sleep) and then in a few minutes he is asleep. He sleeps well most nights, with occasional wakes up and screams from nightmares, but that has drastically dropped after 2 months of being with us. Even then when he is put back into our bed, he snuggles up and falls right to sleep with peaceful quiet sleep the remaining night. 

I also have intentionally been teaching him to sit at times through his day to do little things or quiet activities that are positive, so his engine can slow down. When he first came home he was always flitting from thing to thing, not sitting or engaging for more than a few minutes at a time. He was a restless little guy, who was overwhelmed with his surroundings and obviously used to touching and getting into anything he desired. For the most part I try to keep our home quieter. It is not that the children don't get loud, but I try to encourage that for outside play. I am naturally (probably being an only child) inclined to liking quiet. So with a large family, while I can handle noise on a new level now, I still prefer more quiet. I think that has benefited Asher a lot.

Sitting quietly in church is still a challenge, but he is slowly starting to have a quieter voice there and on most days doesn't wiggle down out of my lap. (I do have to distract him with snack and books, which I am fine with.) Mostly, there is just huge improvements in his ability to sit and play with a toy or sibling for longer periods. He will even look at books with you occasionally, which was almost never a few months ago. You do have to be careful with those pages though, as he wants to flip through them a lot of times.

He loves learning about his new environment and also doesn't like being told he can't do certain things. He expects certain things to be done just so. I can tell already he has perfectionist tendencies. It could be due to his innate personality. It might also be that it makes him feel secure, after his difficult, untrustworthy beginning in this world. We have been told that adopted children often feel best when they know what to expect and can have some control over their "world". However, as a good mother should, I try to find that balance of letting him have his comforts and control sometimes, but not allowing it to always be a certain way for him. 

Even though he can't speak clearly about 99% of the time, he has no difficulties letting us know through his sign language, pointing, facial expressions, and a few recognizable words what it is he expects. We have been working on him to be using "please", which mostly he will comply when told, but still not usually on his own. And I have also been at times shaking things up a bit. He is used to having his bottle given by me in 3 locations and one day he was adamant that we do it on one of those locations. I decided to tell him I was choosing this time and I chose one of the other 3 we typically use. He was fussing a little bit, but gave into me. I can be quite stubborn too, and he is learning that. I do that a couple times each day with whatever his demands are. It is balance, because I know he wants that security but he needs to learn that he can trust his Mama and Daddy to make those decisions now and that we won't let him down.

That brings me to tomorrow...It is surgery day. A 3 hour surgery to fix his palate. He has no idea what is coming. He has a lot of anxiety over medical things. So far the only things we have experienced with him are normal weight checks (he screams), exams (fusses a lot usually, but is getting better if the doctor is not abrupt and I can hold him, thankfully we have great doctors), blood draws and shots (both of them he is hysterically kicking and screaming as soon as we have to hold him down, before the needle is even close.)  We have reasons to believe that he was held down for medical recovery, even strapped to a crib. 

He is likely just tired of all this examining, poking and prodding he has been through in 2 short years already. We know he is a strong, stubborn and courageous little boy, otherwise he might not have lived. We also know he has a loving, sweet and gentle personality, albeit never stopping and always active. His stress level has been high most of his life. Even though unfamiliar situations, nightmares and medical issues bring that stress up to a max,  I have noticed a big change of calm in his beautiful, brown eyes and ability to just snuggle in my arms, which he didn't have when we first met him. He was always pretty "easy" but the trust wasn't there, of course. Today it is there. It may not be complete attachment yet, but is is coming. 

The Lord is healing him, I am so thankful. I pray almost every night over him, that the Lord would take those deep wounds, that none of us know yet, and completely heal them with His love, using our family as the vessel. I have come to love this precious boy so very much. It brings my heart to be filled with joy to think about how blessed we are to have him here with us!

I ask for prayers for tomorrow. I want Asher to not feel the anxiousness prior to surgery I imagine he will have. I want my own heart and Jay's to be resting in the Lord's peace. It is time for his second big surgery (first was his lip in China), of several more to come. This is the day we have been waiting for and hoping for. This surgery will make it so he can communicate on a whole new level, with healing and practice. He will be able to eat better and hopefully not have anymore fluid in his ears, which will help him hear better and be more comfortable. But I must admit, as a Mommy, I wish we didn't have to go through it. I am trusting our medical team. I completely trust our doctors and have gotten to know a reliable nurse liaison and even spoke to the anesthesiologist, who seems compassionate and knowledgeable for what Asher needs and has worked with Smile Train therefore is familiar with cleft affected children from other countries.  

Most importantly I know God has brought us to this day and HE is holding Asher in his hands. I can walk in faith and know even if he has pain, discomfort and stress, it will come together for good. Thank you for your prayers!

One last photo, prior to surgery, of the cutest little 2 year old Asian boy on earth!!!

Life Keeps Moving Along

We have 7 more days left until we are done with school for the summer!! Makenna will go another week or more to wrap up her many loose ends for graduation. She doubled up this year to graduate early, so she is still swamped. I will be glad for her sake when she can breath.

We are working on wedding projects and graduation preparation, as well as just doing life. Life is busier than I have ever felt it to be on a regular basis. I thought it would get easier as the children got older and I had more help from them. I do have lots of help in a lot ways which is easier, but in some ways it is harder. Parenting older and adult children is a whole new way of life that we are figuring out. With the help of others, that have gone ahead of us and walked this path, I think we are making positive changes in our lives. When I was a new, young mother I truly believed that, "If I just do everything 'perfectly' for my babies and children as they grow and love them as much as I can, then everything will turn out great for them. They will have less sin in their lives, less struggles and  hardships. They will want to be around me when they are married etc. And most importantly they will walk closely with God." I was naive.

While, I do still believe I must always strive to pour my life into my children, as that is my roll that God has given me, I have also learned that most of the end, the outcome, is out of my control and jurisdiction. It has been painful for me to let that go. I can do everything mostly "right" and I will still mess it up. I can walk day to day, minute to minute with the LORD, and my children are still human and will fail. Don't get my wrong, my children are amazing and it is a great feeling to watch them grow up and walk the path the LORD is leading them on. BUT, the key is that it is the LORD's path for them, not mine, not even theirs if I think about it. They can choose one path and if He doesn't want them there, He will put an obstacle in the way. I have to trust the LORD more and let them go, surrender them to Him.

 I feel so blessed that after growing up with no siblings, my LORD has given me 8 (now 9 with a daughter-in-love) to fill my life. I don't deserve any of them, nor more fantastic husband. However, God knew what I needed.

In the midst of the craziness and forgetfulness I feel as a new "norm" for me (I always had the greatest memory HA, God is humbling me more)- I am still praising the LORD alone for my beautiful family and busy life. I do desire that I can keep moving along, as well as be sure to slow down at times and just snuggle, read with them, sleep in, have tickle matches, watch a funny movie just because and make a big breakfast on Saturdays. We don't do those things every day. I know that the LORD gave us each child as a gift a reward, and I need to know that I don't know how many days I will truly have here with them. I want to focus on the end of my life and what will I remember, what will they remember about me?

My Soon to be Graduating Sweetheart

Here are Makenna's Senior Photos.. Emily, my almost daughter-in-love, took these. I loved most of them, but here are a few of our favorites.

This last one, just for fun, is Makenna with her handsome Big Brother, Tyler. I remember when these 2 were little pips, were inseparable and had so much fun together. I am such a blessed mama.

Surgery Date Scheduled

After many prayers and advice we are finally preparing a date for Asher's palate surgery.


I was originally planning on February, as I knew he would not begin speaking until it was repaired. But our wonderful surgeon encouraged me to make sure he and we were ready. I left that office from his first visit with the surgeon back in December, thinking for sure we would do it then. However, one of the criteria for recovery is not to use the bottle. At this time, Asher is still taking the bottle with milk in it 3 times a day and a 4th if he is extra clingy or not feeling good. So, we decided to push it back to April.


As the weeks moved quickly along, and our bonding with him was going to so well, (which we truly believe the bottle is instrumental in helping), I just couldn't imagine taking it away from him in April. We did give quite a bit of effort in trying to get him to take milk from a sippy cup on our lap. It has been a chore just getting him to take water or juice in a sippy cup at all. But when it comes to milk, he absolutely refuses. We have had 2 speech therapists, a nutritionist and Occupational therapist all help us with this. We have tried 6 different types of sippy cups. He just keeps pushing it away and refusing, with a tight lip. He will take a thick shake that we make for our family breakfasts in a regular cup, but he is sitting in his high chair due to the mess of a regular cup, so it isn't the same quality bonding we get with the bottle and he only drinks maybe 2 ounces at a sitting.


I was feeling stressed about the whole situation and asking many friends for prayer. At one point I remembered our 16 hour state adoption training and our social worker and her experience with bonding. She has a lot of knowledge in this area and I trust her opinion. I decided to get a hold of her. She graciously talked to me on the phone for an hour and answered all my concerns. Her encouragement was that we were doing all the right things, and it sounded as if he was bonding well with us, and she really thought we should keep using the bottle until he has been with us at least 12 months.


The thing about the bottle is where you "take them back" to developmental stages in order for them to go through them in a healthy way and bond with you. Asher may not have had a healthy single caregiver ever give him a bottle, with snuggling, eye contact, love and attention on a regular basis. Plus, even if he did and that was good for the development he had in China, it is not him bonding with Jay and me. Our social worker said that he needs at least 12 months, or longer, to regain what he missed with us. Even though he is 2, it is not the same as a toddler walking around with a bottle attached to his mouth, or even falling asleep with one in his crib. We always, only hold him (Jay or me) and have a purpose to our feeding him this way. He truly snuggles right in and with this active toddlerhood he is in, it is one of the only times each day he "allows" us to snuggle him.






If it wasn't for this needed surgery, that is hindering his ability to speak this wouldn't be such an issue. So, we made the choice to push surgery back another 2 months, to the beginning of June. We willd give him the bottle up until surgery day and then do whatever we needed to do to get him to eat another way for recovery, which could be up to 2 weeks of no bottle. Then the plan is to give him the bottle again, if he will take it. The challenge could be that he will be quite ticked at not getting the bottle after surgery and then when it is offered again he will refuse. If this is the case we will deal it with it the best we can, but at least then we did have a solid 6 months of bottle/bonding time with him.






Thankfully, our surgeon is very kind and supportive. He doesn't think we should wait 12 months (which we don't want to either) but he is in agreement with this decision.


As far as Asher's ability to communicate, he is up to over 120 signs and he can say about 12 or so words that "we" understand. God has a purpose in all of this and knows the perfect timing.


June 4th in the early AM is what we are looking at. If you feel led to pray for the 2 week transition off the bottle or that the surgeon would even let him have it sooner if he thinks it would be wise. There could be a possible 2nd palate surgery 3-6 months later, which we won't know until after this surgery.

Somewhere in the World Today

Is a mother who wonders about her son..
And a new mother who wonders about a woman..

Asher's  tummy "MaMa"- delivered a little baby boy with a cleft  lip and palate 2 years ago today. She made the difficult decision to not keep him as her son. We don't know why she chose this. I can only imagine, but we will never know.


I do not walk in her shoes, nor do I claim to believe I am any better of a person than she is.
Today, I hold and love her son.


If I could speak with her I would want her to know that her little boy is healthy, growing, thriving, learning, happy and full of so much joy! He is being well taken care of. His palate will be fixed and he will be able to eat and speak like all little boys should have the chance to do. He will have a voice that will be heard. He will have the opportunity to do many things, but mostly to know the love and healing of Lord Jesus Christ.


I pray for that mother today. Does he have her smile, with the little dimples that are beginning to be seen regularly. Does he have her spunk and feistiness, that knows what he wants from life and works at achieving it? Is she a petite woman, like him, with straight silky black hair that has a mind of its own?


Today, I am so thankful for our son's presence in our lives, in my life. But I also ache for the mother that let him go. I ache for Asher, who will never know who she was or why she made that decision 2 years ago.


I only can pray that the Lord will heal his hurt from the abandonment and will use me to be the kind of mother he needs: one who will wipe away his tears, hold his hand, answer his questions, rock him to sleep and encourage him to try new things.


Asher had rice and spring rolls for dinner tonight. And chocolate cookies with vanilla ice cream for dessert (he isn't big on cake yet). He got some new blocks, lots of books, a toy pull-back train, rocking horse and new jacket. He has many, many material things that he never had in China. But more importantly he has the unconditional love of a new MaMa who chose him because of his cleft lip and palate. A new MaMa who chooses and will always choose to love him for who he is. He is a blessing to this new mama. He is the light of my eyes!

Happy Birthday my sweet Asher Thomas Chen!!